Saturday, November 27
got back from camp yesterday.. actually i left early cos i had some stuff on. managed to take a half an hour nap before rushing out.. and because the restaurant doesn't allow people with slippers i had to wear heels.. and hurt my already strained knees and legs. was grumpy by the time i got back and had to take pictures for my mother's birthday. i can't smile after sleeping an average of 3 or 4 hours a night for two nights okay. i tend to go into hibernation. waiting for my father now to approve my jc choices, which will take another hour or so cos he's doing some office work. have to apply by 4pm today. hope the server's not all jammed up. parents are funny people. i only just got the damned paper okay, and yesterday was too busy a day to apply. so how come i'm the one who gets scolded for applying last minute when everyone knew long ago what i plan to do? then when my mum asks me to get the paper back from him, he says he wants to see it and blah blah blah although it'll take another few hours. if you want to see it so desperately, just take a minute to look how i've ranked the schools and courses okay? it won't take more than that unless you want to read through the entire booklet which would be a waste of time since i'm the one who's gonna apply. i am obviously badmooding.
you know i was thinking about what we've been talking about these past few days. funny how things are changing huh, after we've gone. changes that aren't from our own doing, that are uncontrollable, that must only further impair what is already flawed. i didn't really consider that it might really happen, even after everyone talked about it so long ago. guess now it is. i hate changes. yet change itself is the only thing that doesn't change. i'm such a cave woman sometimes. heh. if i were someone else, if i were a better person, if i were anyone but me, i would promise to come back. but because i'm me, because i'm so terribly bad at everything, because i'm so flawed and imperfect, i can't. even if i were to go to hc and be horribly nearby, and join some happily slack cca like library, it would still be a pretty bad option for all of us. it would be so much better if the rest of you could go to nearby schools and all that instead huh. the proximity of hc is wasted on me, considering my usefulness or lack thereof. and then there's the possiblity i might go to sa anyway. where i might meet y'all and we'd be happy happy and i wouldn't have to be alone. i can't think this early in the morning. i guess i'm not making sense.
i've still got about half a billion autograph thingys to write and honestly i'm sian of it. please, people, don't ask me to do anymore. if you want to remember me, i'll take a picture with you at prom and scribble a note okay? i hate decorating little bits of paper and all that junk cos i'm lousy at it. i'll just end up sticking my butterfly sticker earrings at the bottom of a note that reads ' i don't know you very well but oh well here goes.. have a nice life! merry christmas and a happy new year in advance for the next fifty or so years.' for the people i'm lazy to write properly for.. and a longlonglong message to those i do care pitholes about.
applied. goodbye science, i loved thee for a little bit while i was still interested. i think i've changed. remember i was so into bioinfo and all that stuff? i thought dna was cool and all that, i loved everything bio. now i'm still pretty interested reading sci-fi novels, but i end up thinking about the characters more than anything else, and symbols. anyway since i don't know myself, and all you people think i'm more artsy than sciencey, i'll just go for it. it's done anyway. hmm. i'll never study with you people again, and i'll never understand what you're talking about anymore when you talk about your classes. and unless we meet in sa.. maybe we'll never see each other again. bahhhh.
chlorine is bad for earrings. remind me to take them off next time. i know i sleep eat bathe swim and bbq in them but can you remind me that i'm wearing them next time? sometimes i can't feel them in my ears. i think i'll go rest now. this is emotionally draining. i think i'm right, doing this. but what if i change again?? i'd just die. honestly. just. die. you can't switch back. oh what have i done? i must love it. i will. arghhh sleepytime.
it must've been love.
10:30 am
xoxo
